On Account of What?


Time Lost
Photo by gothick_matt

On Account of What?
by: RJ

There is this fear I have deep inside me —
Not a usual fear, not mere apprehension or worry.
Not an imagined trouble or conjured-up story
Nay a drawn-up conclusion or fired-up creativity.

I know you ask yourself, “But on account of what?”
So I open my mouth to answer, but the words just won’t come out.

I fear for tomorrow and I fear for yesterday.
I fear procrastination, indecision, absense of foreplay.
I tremble at the thought of a lost love through hearsay —
Or the reality of a perceived notion, refuted in display.

I know you ask yourself, “But on account of what?”
So I open my mouth to answer, but the words just won’t come out.

There is this fear that the time I have with you is short.
In the same way I fear that a candidate is out to steal my vote.
There is this fear that the elements of the universe will rock this boat
And send me to undiscovered territory full of conflict and despicable gloat.

I know you ask yourself, “But on account of what?”
So I open my mouth to answer, but the words just won’t come out.

I fear someday soon you realize I’m really not that pretty
Oh, come on, don’t fool me, we both know you’re a sucker for a lovely lady
I fear one day soon it will dawn on you that you’re not the type who’ll marry
Ha! That will be the greatest joke to humanity, and the funniest of the century

I know you ask yourself, “But on account of what?”
So I open my mouth to answer, but the words just won’t come out.

Most days, I catch myself lost in the reverie of my lost youth
Or the sound of your voice, or your personality so astute
I glance at this screen, grab a paper, scribble, and write-up a note
But then I just couldn’t stop, here is where the words are, all the words I forgot

I know you ask yourself, “But on account of what?”
So I open my mouth to answer, but the words, my darling, believe me —
The words just won’t come out.

– end –

3 responses to “On Account of What?”

  1. @Steve Cross, thank you for the wonderful comments and consistent visits. Cheers to you! :)

    Like

  2. haha that’s GEEK poetry! Nice!

    Like

Let me know what you think… :)

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About Me
Cecilia Regina Aquino Blanquera Marmol aka RJ Marmol profile picture

I’m RJ Marmol — writer, musician, and independent creator based in Manila.

I write songs, essays, and books about the messy overlap between money, overwhelm, creativity, identity, and rebuilding. Much of my work circles around what happens when life stops feeling manageable — and how we try to think clearly, make decisions, and keep moving anyway.

I’m also the author of Rebuilding Under Debt: Thinking Clearly When Everything Is a Blur, a nonfiction book published under Steady Hand Press. The paperback edition is listed under my full publishing name, Cecilia Regina Aquino Blanquera.

On the music side, I release work as HeyRJ. On the writing side, this site is where I gather my books, essays, notes, and whatever I’m building next.

Music

HeyRJ is my sonic soul project. I create raw, minimalist-style and deeply personal music interpretations that feel like a late-night conversation with your truest self.

By blending lo-fi acoustic textures with poetic honesty, my work explores love, loss, grief, healing, and the quiet in-betweens of life. Each song is a letter — a journal entry — a gentle companion for when the world feels too loud or too quiet.

While my catalogue began with intimate cover renditions, my work is increasingly being shaped by original writing, drawing from years of poems, lived questions, and emotional survival.

“Stuck Home Syndrome” released on March 20, 2026 is my first original 20-track album written during a period when time felt compressed and days began to blur into each other. The songs came from sitting with thoughts that had nowhere else to go — unfiltered, repetitive, and sometimes uncomfortable. It’s a concept album that isn’t built around singles or polish. It’s closer to a continuous inner monologue, recorded with minimal production and very little ornamentation and meant to be listened to as one cohesive body of work. The goal wasn’t to resolve anything, only to document how it felt while it was happening.

On May 29, 2026 I released new original singles – “Rapturous”, “Uh Huh”, “Look At You”, “All That” and “Blew Print”. I continue to release both original and cover songs and intend to so for as long as I can so check back every once in a while — you might. just find something you’ll like.

For business inquiries relating to music, email me at: heyrjmusic[at]gmail[dot]com or my personal email at: rjmarmol[at]gmail[dot]com.

Books

Rebuilding Under Debt: Thinking Clearly When Everything Is a Blur

A nonfiction book about what debt does to the mind — and how to begin functioning again when financial stress has made everything feel blurred, urgent, and overwhelming.

Rather than treating debt only as a financial math problem, the book explores the emotional and cognitive realities of financial distress: shame, decision fatigue, avoidance, panic, relationship strain, and the difficulty of making sound decisions while mentally depleted.

Published under Steady Hand Press. It’s available worldwide in ebook and paperback formats on Amazon. Bookstores and libraries can also be order it wholesale via Ingram.

Contact

For book-related inquiries, media requests, bookstore questions, or discussion-group invitations, you can reach me through the contact page on this site or send me an email to rjmarmol[at]gmail[dot]com or hello[at]steadyhandpress.com